Here's a simple check list for Mother's Day
to help moms determine if they are dining in their kind of restaurant.
How to tell if a restaurant is expensive:
If the menu is a la carte.
If servers verbalize additions to the menu without mentioning price.
If you have to run the gauntlet of valet parker, a maitre 'd, two hostesses leading you to your table, and a wine captain with a French accent.
If the napkins are 22 inches square and butterflied on the plate.
If your wife or companion's menu is minus prices.
If the valet parker is wearing an English footman's uniform.
If the valet parker examines your car to see if it is wearing Michelins or Firestones.
If the valet parker is wearing an African safari pith helmet.
If the entrance looks like an English country estate and you have to enter over a fake moat.
If the hostess looks like Oscar de La Renta in drag.
If the wine steward has a tastivin around his neck.
If the maitre 'd is wearing epaulets on his tux.
If there is a sign in the window advising NO GOLD CARD, NO SERVICE.
If the restaurant has an unlisted telephone number.
If the foyer is lined with private stash wine lockers with names of big spenders on bronze plates.
If the place demands your Dun & Bradstreet rating when taking reservations.
If your check is presented with the server's Mont Blanc pen.
How to tell if the restaurant is a cheap joint:
If the tables are topped with ceramic cows for creamers.
If the menu is in purple Naugahyde.
If steak prices are advertised outside in neon.
If the plastic menu cover has last night's gravy intact.
If the place advertises singing waiters instead of food.
If the place is called Mom's and can serve 300 at one sitting.
If the menu is held together with gold lame tassels.
If the wine list comes in embossed cowhide and was printed by Inglenook.
If the foyer has a cigarette machine topped with a coin canister for donations to the "Save the Tset-se Fly Foundation."
If the foyer has a pinball machine, food is not the attraction.
If the waitresses have bouffant-Texas Big Hair.
If the waiters wait will chewing Mail Pouch.
If forks have prongs pointing in all compass directions.
If water glasses are plastic.
If the place still promotes half-price happy hours.
If the 7-&-7 is served with a can of Fresca.
If there is a door sign advising: NO SHOES, NO SHIRTS, NO SERVICE.
If packaged condoms are displayed between the potato chips and King Edward cigars.
If there is a health department yellow tape reading CAUTION strung across the front door.
If the place stinks like an Alabama boardinghouse.
If there is a sign reading COUNTER SERVICE FOR TRUCKERS ONLY.