Dearest Occupant: Your most recent attempt to write a nasty letter has been noted. Check the appropriate box best fitting your self- analysis.

Some idiot is using your name. (Credit Sen. Stephen Young’s reply to nutcase letter writers.)

Your parents were first cousins.

You died at birth and your identity is suspect in Big Brother circles.

Your purple Sears doubleknit suit faded.

McDonald’s wouldn’t honor your Montgomery Ward discount credit card.

You’ve just learned your degree from Papa Doc’s School of Veterinary Medicine has been revoked.

Compared to you, your wife thinks Don Knotts is handsome. (EQUAL OPPORTUNITY RESPONSE)

Compared to you, your husband thinks Roseanne Barr is a looker.

You live in a neighborhood with no inside plumbing.

The cinder blocks under your trailer are deteriorating.

You live in ________________(jot in Cleveland, Kabul, Ann Arbor, Noble, Ga., Hilliard, Whitehall, or appropriate Zip Code.)

You believe Kmart created American cuisine and want me to agree with you.

Your mother-in-law is coming to visit you from the institution.

The state mental hospital is putting a half-way house next door and wants to share a driveway with you.

The city wants to change ____________(your street name) to either Mike Tyson Freeway or the O. J. Simpson Memorial Parkway.

Your mother is not sure about you.

Your father demands identification when you visit home.

You are a native of the State of Michigan.

You found a possum’ in the middle of __________(your street) and now you can’t find anyone to watch for cars when you dine.

You’ve just learned your broker put your father’s estate into Enron stock.

You always wanted to be a restaurant reviewer, but your priest and parole officer advised otherwise.

critics shot

(Placard was posted over the cheap gin bottles at State & Fourth Grill,
Downtown Columbus, before the joint died of old age.)
Displayed courtesy of owner Sammy Harachis

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